Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Rains, and the moods...

It's raining cats and dogs outside. And I am in a very blue and grey mood. Dunno why, but rains do this to me. I go through a plethroa of feelings and thoughts when its raining - there's exuberance yet melancholy, there's joy yet sorrow, there's ebullience yet melancholy.

There's one thing I have not yet done since ages - getting wet in the rains, that too on purpose and actually enjoying it. The water engulfing you like a shawl, the cool breeze running its finger through your wet hair, the clouds smiling and pouring as much water as they can. It feels like the Gods are smiling and showering all the love they have. Its exhilarating, can only be felt.

Then there's my room with its two huge windows, one of which overlooks the top of three gulmohar trees. The tress are laden with numerous hues of red and orange with the green leaves peeping here and there as if playing "I Spy". When I cannot go out and get wet in the rain, I just sit beside the window and stare at the water droplets soaking the flowers and the buds. I don't know why but I become oblivious to the surroundings when I am busy looking out of the window. It takes me to a different world. Its a mixture of melancholy, reflection, calm, peace and chaos. I am falling short of words when it comes to the description of these feelings.

And sadly, right now, I am in neither of the above described moods. I am sad and I am irritated. I am sitting here in my office working on something I don't even know why I am doing. And my heart is out there, soaking itself in the rains (the voice of which I can hear on the window panes of the office), calling me, teasing me that I am not doing what I wish to do.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Independence v/s Dependence

I had written about living life on my own terms some time back. Again, I did something I have always wanted to do. I auditioned for an RJ Hunt. You would say, "whats the big deal?". Nothing actually but I am happy because tomorrow when I die and I meet the masters and look at my life in hindsight, I don't regret that I did not do something I could have done. I did my bit and now life will do its bit.

Well, now back to the my terms bit. I realized after the auditions when I was heading home that right now (and it has been like this for quite sometime now) I am completely independent. Independent, from whichever angle you look at it. I take my own decisions, I go where I want to go, I eat what I want to eat, I live the way I want to live. There is absolutely nothing that I cannot do alone - shopping, eating, dancing, singing, chatting, laughing, crying, watching movies, everything. I have been told by people(all those who live with families) that mine is a lifestyle all of them want. They want to be independent and live life the way I do. What they don't know is how lucky they are. Its really depressing to unlock the door at the end of the day and enter a dark house, switch on the lights, think of making tea (but not doing so because you are tired), then think of what to have for dinner, go through the electricity bill, phone bill, broadband bill, look at the last dates, manage finances (though theres little to manage there), buy grocery etc. There's no end to it. There's nothing like living with the family. 

There's also a positive side to it. You get to choose how you wanna spend your Sunday. But it ends there. 

I, personally, hate this so-called "independence". I would love to go back to a family at the end of the day; tell someone how my day was, how I am feeling; get instructed on what to do and what not to do (that makes me feel cared for and thought of, the fact that what you do and who you are matters to somebody is beautiful). 

Independence comes with it its own price - loneliness, which is only inflating with every passing day. 

It isn't great being all by yourself.