Random Musings

I have been absconding from the blogosphere for quite some while now. Reason being, just when I had started falling in love with blogging, some sites (including blogger) were blocked in office. I came to know just last week that it has been unblocked. I could have blogged from home but there was so much work in office that by the time I use to reach back, I was left with no energy or mood to do anything but sleep. Okies, now that I am done with my absence from blogging, I will write something.
Cannot actually think of anything at the moment. There were so many things that I had thought of when I was away from blogging but right now, my mind is absolutely blank. I am loving the state of affairs in my life right now.
Just had a cup of good refreshing tea. Listening to “Jaadu Hai Tera Hi Jaadu” from Ghulam on Radio. And now I am back in form to work. Have installed Windows Live Writer in my PC. This post will test that as well. Will be back in form from the next post. Right now, I gotta get back to work. My table is piled up.
Till then, take care n be good. :)

Rains, and the moods...

It's raining cats and dogs outside. And I am in a very blue and grey mood. Dunno why, but rains do this to me. I go through a plethroa of feelings and thoughts when its raining - there's exuberance yet melancholy, there's joy yet sorrow, there's ebullience yet melancholy.

There's one thing I have not yet done since ages - getting wet in the rains, that too on purpose and actually enjoying it. The water engulfing you like a shawl, the cool breeze running its finger through your wet hair, the clouds smiling and pouring as much water as they can. It feels like the Gods are smiling and showering all the love they have. Its exhilarating, can only be felt.

Then there's my room with its two huge windows, one of which overlooks the top of three gulmohar trees. The tress are laden with numerous hues of red and orange with the green leaves peeping here and there as if playing "I Spy". When I cannot go out and get wet in the rain, I just sit beside the window and stare at the water droplets soaking the flowers and the buds. I don't know why but I become oblivious to the surroundings when I am busy looking out of the window. It takes me to a different world. Its a mixture of melancholy, reflection, calm, peace and chaos. I am falling short of words when it comes to the description of these feelings.

And sadly, right now, I am in neither of the above described moods. I am sad and I am irritated. I am sitting here in my office working on something I don't even know why I am doing. And my heart is out there, soaking itself in the rains (the voice of which I can hear on the window panes of the office), calling me, teasing me that I am not doing what I wish to do.

Independence v/s Dependence

I had written about living life on my own terms some time back. Again, I did something I have always wanted to do. I auditioned for an RJ Hunt. You would say, "whats the big deal?". Nothing actually but I am happy because tomorrow when I die and I meet the masters and look at my life in hindsight, I don't regret that I did not do something I could have done. I did my bit and now life will do its bit.

Well, now back to the my terms bit. I realized after the auditions when I was heading home that right now (and it has been like this for quite sometime now) I am completely independent. Independent, from whichever angle you look at it. I take my own decisions, I go where I want to go, I eat what I want to eat, I live the way I want to live. There is absolutely nothing that I cannot do alone - shopping, eating, dancing, singing, chatting, laughing, crying, watching movies, everything. I have been told by people(all those who live with families) that mine is a lifestyle all of them want. They want to be independent and live life the way I do. What they don't know is how lucky they are. Its really depressing to unlock the door at the end of the day and enter a dark house, switch on the lights, think of making tea (but not doing so because you are tired), then think of what to have for dinner, go through the electricity bill, phone bill, broadband bill, look at the last dates, manage finances (though theres little to manage there), buy grocery etc. There's no end to it. There's nothing like living with the family. 

There's also a positive side to it. You get to choose how you wanna spend your Sunday. But it ends there. 

I, personally, hate this so-called "independence". I would love to go back to a family at the end of the day; tell someone how my day was, how I am feeling; get instructed on what to do and what not to do (that makes me feel cared for and thought of, the fact that what you do and who you are matters to somebody is beautiful). 

Independence comes with it its own price - loneliness, which is only inflating with every passing day. 

It isn't great being all by yourself. 

Hypocrisy

Was filing a few papers on Saturday, and then said something on a lighter note. She did not react, all she said was, "I don't comment on the weakest point of people." when all she had done in the last few months was exactly that. I was aghast at the hypocrisy. How can people keep doing something and then claim to be virtuous and not doing something that they do already. Its like a smoker preaching "do not smoke" or a liar preaching truth. How can people have the guts to do that. Doesn't their conscience hurt them? I actually doubt whether they even have one. 

I have been observing people since quite a while now. And what I have observed is people have a different set of rules for them and a different set for others. I neither care about what those wagging tongues have to say nor do i bother one bit. What disturbs me is how do people bring themselves to do such a thing? How? 

Some Words of Wisdom

Got the following as an email forward. Loved it, especially pt. no. 25, 26 and 29:- 

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair,but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate,resistanc e is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret,you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful,beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Love????

Just read a post on AJ's blog about "being loved, why love, do we need love?", basically love. I have been thinking of this since quite a while. Love? What exactly is this? How do you know when somebody is falling in love with you? How do you know when you are falling in love with someone? Had a discussion with PS on this, today morning. He said, "I cannot define things which cannot be defined." I agree with him that love cannot be defined but there must be something which makes you go weak in the knee, which makes you drool over somebody, which makes you feel only if I could stop time here and be in this moment forever. Not that I haven't had these moments. But those were just moments which have left those incomplete feelings born then, to wander in the forests of uncertainity. Not that I didn't know about that feelings existed but I was always scared. Dunno of what? Once a classmate in graduation told me, "Although you seem to be a chatterbox and talk a lot with everybody, there's a girl in you who's quite, who doesn't talk, who's scared, who doesn't shed her inhibitions and it is beacuse of that girl that you never take a chance when it comes to relationships." At that point in time, I just waved her off but she was right. Its because of that girl that I haven't ever taken any risks, any chances, in the hope of getting something better tomorrow, i kept losing what today had to offer me. Somebody recently told me, "Mai apne sapnon ke liye aaj ki opportunities ko to nahi chhod sakta na..." It was said with the perspective of career and profession in mind but I wonder if the same thought can be applied to relationships as well. 

All of us want to be loved, want to be dependent, want to be cared for, want the silences to talk but who is to blame if you yourself don't let that happen. Right now, I am tired of being independent, being completely on my own, from gas, ghar ka rent, bijli ka bill, mobile ka bill, khana se lekar tabiyat, doctor tak sab kuchh khud ko hi karna hi padta hai. I have actually started questioning whether all of this is actually worth it.

Uff! this entire blog entry has gone so haywire.. Just goes to show the chaos in my mind. This just doesn't make any sense at all but still i am not gonna delete it, because it has captured "now" and its chaotic silence. :) Happy Reading!!!

P.S.: Do let me know if you know how do you know when you are in love or somebdoy is in love with you???

Life On My Own Terms!!!

Have not been bolgging since quite some time!!! In fact, coming to this screen feels so good. Work has been keeping me busy. Though there have been numerous times when I felt like I should pen down whatever I feel like. There have been really strong urges to pen down some thoughts but sadly, I never had a pen and a paper when I had them. 

I few days back, I was just thinking of how my life has always been all these years. My schooling was decided by my parents, graduation was decided by time (though I love what time and life did to me), then I started thinking about my career. And ended up doing an MBA, then placements happened and here I am working in an unknown city doing work which sometimes I dislike to the core and sometimes I enjoy because of the challenge it throws and not because of what it is. And then I realized I that I have led my life like that wooden plank which has been thrown in the river and then takes the course that the river decides for it. There are neither any anchors nor any banks. It just flows with time, with the river.

It was high time that I took charge of what was happening to ME in MY life. And now I am sitting behind the steering wheel with the resolve that what will become of ME in MY life will be MY decision. At least I will strive to take it where I want it to go. I don't want to die regretting and thinking if only I had done....

I have brought a few changes in my life. Won't talk about them right now. Because the changes will show results only a few months down the line. But I can feel the changes within me. I am not mourning or regretting with the words, "arrey yaar! aisa kyun nahi ho raha..." because I know ki agar meri zindagi me kuchh ho raha hai to wo mere kuchh karne ya nahi karne ki wajah se hi ho raha hai... Hope I succeed in whatever I aspire.