Why do I Exist?

I have been out of the blogging scene for quite a while now. Work has been keeping me busy. And I am enjoying every bit of it. There are so many random thoughts coming to my mind that I cannot think of any one particular thing. Ok, take for example, my work. I dunno that whether this is what I want to do the rest of my life. I dont know whether this is my calling... How do you know that? Is there a way? I took a couple of tests on the internet, you know the career choice inventory kinds. Now all these tests give you a list at the end which is of no help at all because the list says you can be an administrator, a teacher, a this, a that. All right! I know I can be all of them but I want to know what am I supposed to be. What is the purpose of this life? Why am I here? There has to be a reason behind it. Right? What is the purpose fo my existence? Why am I here? What is my life's calling?

हर पल एक उम्मीद की राह
हर क्षण एक किरण की तलाश
कुछ ढूंढती सी निगाहें,
कुछ तलाशता सा दिल
एक पूरा पल -
खुद में पूरी कायनात लिए हुए
हर अधूरा कल -
खुद में हज़ार कहानियां समेटे हुए,
क्या है इसका अंत?
ये सब क्यूँ हो रहा है?
क्यूँ है ये आज? क्यूँ था वो कल?
क्या हैं ये पल?
क्यूँ हैं ये सवाल?
क्यूँ नहीं मैं भावनाशुन्य?

Lonely...

All You who Sleep Tonight

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

-- Vikram Seth

This is one of my all time favorite poems. I simply marvel at the fact that how so less words can express so much in so few words. Feeling the exact loneliness described above can be really painful. There are times when you look for companionship, when you want to be with family and friends and then when reality brings you back to itself, you are left with yourself wondering why are you here in this moment at all?
There is work to be done that you don't want to do at all. There are things to be taken care of but all you want to do is go with the flow. Bas beh jaane ki khwahish hoti hai.... Aur wo adhoori reh jaati hai.
Of late, I have started enjoying my solitude. I started doing that long ago but this time, it was forced (by circumstances) and not out of choice. I have started watching movies alone, shopping alone, talking alone and also eating alone. I hate it. I can do anything and everything alone but not eat. Why? Then I hate the hunger pangs which don't let me concentrate on anything if I decide not to eat. Why? Why can life just not let me be??? Why this sudden vaccuum which has decided to remain so... Why????????

Monday Mornings

Monday Mornings - I never thought I will be writing about it unless this Monday and this morning happened. Spent the weekend at home, cooking, reading, enjoying and being with myself. Basically, I chillaxed. Loved the feeling of just being at home, rains outside, a cup of coffee in one hand and a book in the other. Completely charged and eagerly waiting for this four day week, I slept off on Sunday night at 11 o'clock, only to be woken up by horrible dreams of deaths. I actually saw coffins - people taking them to the graveyard, transportation of coffins, coffins all around. I also saw the death of a very close family friend. Pata nahi, what is it supposed to mean! I am praying and hoping that everything is fine.

Well, it costed me my sleep. Then suddenly when I had barely managed to catch some sleep, the alarm went off at 5 o'clock (courtesy: my fitness plans - I had planned to start Yoga and Pranayama today. Sadly, the plans have been plans ever since I can remember. Sigh!!! Will write about this some other time) Okay, so we were talking about the alarm. I looked at the alarm, shifted it to 6:30 and again went to take a tour of dreamland. Sharp at 6:30, the alarm rang, I looked at it and thought to myself, pandrah minute aur so jaati hun fir uthoongi. Well, the duration of pandrah minute lasted for 1 hour and 15 minutes and I woke up hurriedly when the maid rang the door bell only to find out that there is no water in the taps. Uff! Luckily, we had saved a bucket of water and I used that and kept another bucket under the tap which got filled in half an hour. And then our dear maid servant, spilled the entire bucket of water that had managed to travel all the way from the tank to the bucket shouting "Jol Nai Jol Nai" only to wash a piece of cloth (pochha to be precise). I rang the next door neighbour's bell, thankfully they had water and we borrowed a bucket full from them. Some respite I tell you and then I heard my friend-cum-flatmate tell me "Gas pe chai rakhi hai dekh lena". During the dekhna process, I realized that its of no use. Bcoz, we have run out of LPG. What timing! I tried the tricks which I have seen my mother and grandmother trying i.e. making the cylinder lie supine(cylinder??? supine??? Okies i hope u have got the point and if not, then don't bother to stress your brains, its not worth the effort) on floor Then frantically I searched for the heater which I can always see at some place but today, when I required it it was not to be seen anywhere. Why???????? At last I found it and we had our cup of tea in this beautiful morning, only to realize that we are running late for office. The morning omens made us fear that we will not even get taxi bcoz a.) we are late b.) the omens. To make matters worse, the fears came true. God could not have so cruel to us so at last we saw a taxi coming to our rescue and we got into it and just made it on time. Phew!!! What a beginning!!!

I sincerely hope I have a great day and greater week ahead. :)

Faith

Read on Neptune's blog that he is losing faith and I was left wondering what can be the reason for it? And the only reason that I could see was that things are not going the way he wants them to. May be it has been really long since things went the way he wanted them to. But can that be the reason why somebody is losing faith in himself or in God?

Yes, it can be the reason. Why? Because patience and perseverance are qualities that most of us lack. And we want time or God to be some vending machine bas button dabaya aur jo chahiye wo haath me. Will you then ever have faith in faith?

To all those who think that there is no reason one can be happy about, I can show you hundred you can be happy about. The fact that you are able to read this blog shows:-
1. You can read - there are millions who dont even how there name looks like when you write it.
2. You have a computer - ask your domestic help does he/she know a thing about computers.
3. You have acces to the internet - you have anything and everything you want at the click of a mouse

You are lucky, you have access to facilities and things that many dont even know about. Whenever you travel the next time, look outside the window of the car/taxi/bus/train, you will know what life is. The look on the faces of the pavement dwellers, the smiles on their faces will be reason enough for you to be happy. Just the other day when I was in the bus, I saw a child sleeping on a garbage pile and he was having a sound sleep right in the middle of the hustle bustle of the streets. People were crossing that area with a handkerchief on thier faces but he was asleep and a few like him were playing just next to that garbage pile. I am sure they don't even know what is meant by the word faith. But I saw in his sound sleep, in thier careless bonhomie and smiles, the faith that numerous people look for. He is/was sure that if he is brought to it, he will be brought through it.

Faith is within you and there is no reason why you should lose it. More so when you are in a difficult situation because from there it can only be brighter. There is no other option.

Andhere ke baad to roshni hi aayegi na, andhere me aur andhkar kya aayega?
Thoda waqt zaroor lag sakta hai, par roshni jayegi kahan, aana to use padega. :)

On that note, I will keep my pen down, hoping that everybody is happy and smiling and not losing faith.